An A to Z Guide To 2020

A ain’t for apple, kids.

Julia Suits for The New Yorker

This cartoon really inspired me. I mean, if there was ever a year made for the alphabet, it’s 2020.

I swapped out Ativan for Anxiety because, well, anxiety. Boredom works for B but C feels a little, dull. May I suggest Clusterfuck?

Susan Orlean’s Twitter feed would agree, D is for Day Drinking. E is tough. Election, duh. But Egregious pops into my head. So does Egg Salad (I’ve been panic buying eggs for 8 months).

F is too easy. FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK. Also, Fatter.

G conjures images of icy Gin & Tonics as there have been a few. There’s also Godamn It! and Grief, which brings me back to Gin. But let’s not forget, GEORGIA!!

If you asked me in February, my money would have been on Hysteria but now Hellscape, Hellacious, and Hellish take the top spots. Sure, we’re living through History, but for fuck’s sake it’s a Hell of a time to be alive.

Ignorance seems like a winner, but Inglorious Bastards works too. Joe Exotic for the win, Joe Biden for the special mention.

K is for Klonopin, which brings us back to A for Anxiety. Feel free to suggest something better. (There’s nothing better).

L brings to mind Liar and Longhaulers, Languid and Listless, The Leftovers, and Leftovers. So many fucking leftovers.

Masks and Morons, obviously. Mask up, morons! This is a fucking Nightmare! Nightmares for runner-up.

The New York Times would give O to Obfuscate, the rest of us might prefer Over It. P is a three-way tie between Pandemic, Protests and Postmates only because Petulant Pussy POTUS may offend someone.


R is for Racism, but since that’s every year in America, I’ll go with Remote. Actually, Rally works better since it leads us right into Super-spreader, which leads us (me) right into Sativa.

T is a gimme. Motherfucking Toilet paper. Tik Tok for the youngsters. Unemployed, Unemployment, The Undoing, Uninspired, Unfuckingbelievable.

Then we have Vino, Weed, and Xanax. In any order.

Y oh Y are we still dealing with this shit?

And everyone’s favorite, by a long shot, ZOOM.

What a fucking year. Cheers. It’s almost over.

I got my first TV writing job at 48, took 26 years to find my birth family. It’s never too late, you’re never too old. Keep going.

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