As always, Jacqueline, your words stir my soul.

My problem with AA is the misogynistic requirement to surrender power and focus on character defects. Most women I know don't need powerlessness and shame; they (we) need mental health support, new coping strategies, and community. A character defect didn't lead you to wine and weed, overwhelming grief and trauma did.

Like you, nature is where I find spirituality and faith, a belief in something bigger, the feeling I'm not alone in this endeavor. But I don't surrender my power to that faith, I surrender my delusion of control. In nature I find acceptance of my humanity, this existence, and some beauty when I can't find it elsewhere.

To help me drink less--the pandemic saw my few glasses of wine/week turn into nightly--I like the Reframe app. It's helped me look at why and when I turned to wine and what I could do for myself instead. There's no powerlessness, shame, or God; just science behind why and how alcohol works on our bodies, healthy alternatives, positive reinforcement, and community should you want it. I'm drinking less than I did before the pandemic.

It sounds to me like you're doing great as you are. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.