I'm an adoptee. Even if they didn't have the words (or still don't), this was the same for them, we carry that grief, too. Many adoptees don't want to know their first mothers, and many find reunion (or maintaining contact in open adoptions) too confusing, too painful. I hope they decide to find you. You're right to leave the rest up to them. Be gentle with yourself and go with grace, most of us dream of finding a first mother who wants us.