Laws are different in every state; both in how amended birth certificates look, and our access to originals. I encourage you to consider how an amended birth certificate that looks like an original but swaps out parent names may look to an adoptee. Overly reductive ones like mine are problematic for what they eliminate. Ones that make give the impression adoptive parents birthed the child are problematic because they are duplicitous. That is not a criticism of you, that is a criticism of a system built upon secrets and lies and erasure.

I believe it was Betty Jean Lifton who wrote that adoptees have two mothers, both are real. The woman who birthed me was more than a vessel, which “birthmother” reduces her to, and she was not the mom who dressed me and fed me and loved me day-to-day. So she is my first mother. Like the man who impregnated her is my first father. They gave me my hair and eyes and height and skin tone and love of fashion and lefty politics, fine wine and good food. My first father’s father was also a television writer, just like me.

None of those traits were present in my adoptive family, and those traits define me. So for me, saying ‘first’ gives them the prominence they deserve.

Thank you so much for reading and responding. Reunion can be so challenging, I hope your son has your love and support while he navigates it.